Area Redneck Notices He’s Wearing Too Many Sleeves, Changes

Edgar “Stumpy” Fremont of Greenville, Mississippi, made a discovery on Saturday night before leaving his home, a discovery that may have saved him hours of evening ridicule. “S’funny, you know?” Fremont muttered between lower-lip gobs of Kodiak. “I’z looked at me in the mirror and seent I was wearin’ too many sleeves!” Indeed, Fremont — in a momentary lapse of white trash judgment — had … Continue reading Area Redneck Notices He’s Wearing Too Many Sleeves, Changes

Michael Bay Buys Legal Rights to ‘Titanic’ Sequel

Hollywood insiders reported Wednesday that dreadful film director Michael Bay has recently purchased the legal rights to a Titanic sequel. Experts are dumbfounded and perplexed as to what in god’s name the fifty-one-year-old plans to do with his newly acquired property. When asked if he understood how history works, Bay reportedly answered, “huh?” Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet have publicly shared their bewilderment, while Brendan … Continue reading Michael Bay Buys Legal Rights to ‘Titanic’ Sequel

Sonic The Hedgehog Fired by Sega Over Racist, Anti-Italian Remarks

Sega’s recent partnership with Nintendo to team-up the two company’s most iconic stars — Sonic the Hedgehog and Mario — has been a boon to each franchise, with total video game sales exceeding 20 million. According to industry insiders, however, this seemingly made-in-heaven union has come to an abrupt end. Spotted leaving a bar in Beverly Hills on Thursday, Sonic — who appeared inebriated and … Continue reading Sonic The Hedgehog Fired by Sega Over Racist, Anti-Italian Remarks

Booger-Eating Child Outgrows Flavor, Disappoints Local Bullies

A twelve-year old from Salmon, Idaho, Miles Overberg had, until recently, a clearly defined identity at Riverside Middle School: he was the booger-eating kid. Reportedly, however, the gross little fuck has begun finding the taste of his nostril goblins less and less appealing. “I’m just not into it anymore,” said the sixth grader. “Leave me alone.” Disappointed colleagues lament the unexpected palate evolution of the … Continue reading Booger-Eating Child Outgrows Flavor, Disappoints Local Bullies

Donald Trump Comes Out Against Cancer Treatment for Children

Keeping with his campaign theme of being against everything good and reasonable, Donald Trump officially came out Tuesday against cancer treatment for children. His newest platform lengthens the list of groups the Republican frontrunner has alienated including Muslims, women, war veterans, rational human beings, and anybody born with a heart. Trump wasted no time defending his position with a signature string of rambling, self-congratulating reasoning. … Continue reading Donald Trump Comes Out Against Cancer Treatment for Children

Old Bigoted Prick Refuses to Stop Being Old Bigoted Prick

A skilled and prolific racist, Wendell Franks is a seventy-nine-year-old retired store clerk from Osceola, Wisconsin. And, despite social pressure from both his family and the “god damn liberal media,” he has no intention of modernizing his bigoted views. “Why should I change now?” asked the old prick. “Because my granddaughter is dating a black?” Indeed, Franks’ granddaughter Kelly is currently romantically involved with an … Continue reading Old Bigoted Prick Refuses to Stop Being Old Bigoted Prick

Veteran Doctor Demands Trade After Hospital Brings in Young New Podiatrist

A podiatrist of twenty-seven years, Doctor Saul Brentford today was stunned and infuriated to learn that the hospital at which he works has hired a young new colleague. Brentford’s recent $80,000 bonus and a guarantee from the Chief of Medicine that he would still be working with the community’s most interesting feet have done little to curb the fifty-four-year-old’s outrage. The veteran doctor has gone … Continue reading Veteran Doctor Demands Trade After Hospital Brings in Young New Podiatrist

Cursing Less Offensive When Spoken by White People, New Report Finds

A recently completed study supervised by the FCC confirmed what the commission had believed to be true for years: namely, that swear words are more offensive coming from minorities than white people. These findings have wide-reaching ramifications, particularly with regards to radio censorship. More specifically, censors now have statistical data to back up their preexisting policies on lyrical appropriateness. “We’ve always conducted ourselves as though … Continue reading Cursing Less Offensive When Spoken by White People, New Report Finds

Hollywood’s Fiercest Rivalries — Episode 1: Gilbert Gottfried and The Dog From Frasier

Most fans know him as Eddie, the lovable Parson Russell Terrier from the television series Frasier. His real life name was Moose, and until his death in 2006, you’d be hard-pressed to find a fiercer rivalry than the one between him and comedian Gilbert Gottfried. The long-running feud dates back to 1993, the year the hit TV show went on the air. According to Gottfried, … Continue reading Hollywood’s Fiercest Rivalries — Episode 1: Gilbert Gottfried and The Dog From Frasier

McDonald’s Good For You, Insists Uninformed Uncle

Local uncle Reggie Upwith spent Saturday evening locked in a nutritional conversation with his disinterested nephew Andrew. According to onlookers, the fast food industry was the primary focus of his diatribe. “Don’t let the media trick you! I’ve eaten a Big Mac every day for twenty years and I’m healthy as an ox!” Conditioned by years of specious reasoning, Andrew chose simply to smile and … Continue reading McDonald’s Good For You, Insists Uninformed Uncle

Hitler Reportedly Upset That Stalin Has Better Condo in Hell

According to sources close to the Führer, Adolf Hitler is apparently dissatisfied with the size and location of his new condo in Hell. A recent bureaucratic restructuring of Hell’s top executives — which has resulted in a shift in the afterlife destination’s housing policy — has led to mandatory moves, not all of which have been met with citizens’ approval. Newly appointed head of Habitation … Continue reading Hitler Reportedly Upset That Stalin Has Better Condo in Hell