In a move that has stunned customers and industry insiders alike, DirecTV recently completed a three-way merger, combining forces with both AT&T and Satan.
The transaction appears to be the final piece in DirecTV’s plans to ruin the fucking lives of anybody looking to enjoy their services.
“It’s really exciting,” says DirecTV Associate Director of Customer Service, Paul Otis. “Our ability to completely demoralize and frustrate our clients has always been a hallmark of our company. But now, with the help of both AT&T and the Prince of Darkness, we’ve tripled our resources, and customer exasperation and resentment, we believe, will be total.”
When asked what Satan brought to the deal, Otis chuckled. “Well, let’s just say he shares a lot of our core values. Also, we now have the entirety of Hell’s citizens to assist in answering phone calls. It’s really a perfect fit.”
Cable-seeking patrons may look to switch services to Time Warner, though the multi-billion-dollar corporation is reportedly in talks to merge with Al Qaeda.