Twenty-nine-year-old actress Lindsay Lohan has made millions of dollars over a two decade-long career in film and television; however, she’s also cost bettors nearly that much by remaining alive against all reasonable expectations.
Lohan, who has been in and out of rehab for a variety of death-inducing addictions, was the first overall selection in nearly every death pool draft. A virtual lock to have killed herself long ago, she nonetheless keeps scorning those who believed in her most by stubbornly continuing to live.
“This is truly the biggest draft bust of the season,” says death pool expert Caleb Ramirez. “Everybody with the top pick in their selection process was overjoyed, assured that Lohan would have paid off big by now. There was no controversy as to who you should select. Yet, she’s been a complete disappointment, still breathing and walking and stuff.”
“The season isn’t over yet,” contends last year’s Mega Death Pool champion Fausto Bloom. “Remember, we have until the end of the summer to crown a winner. Lohan has plenty of time to make good on her lofty preseason expectations.”
Rumors have circulated, however, that multiple players across the country have begun tampering with celebrities in an attempt to influence the outcome. Reportedly, eight balls of cocaine have been showing up daily on the front steps of Lohan’s Beverly Hills estate. And, despite her alleged enjoyment of the unexpected gifts, she still ain’t dead.
On the other hand, however, Ramirez is quick to point out that death pools are unpredictable and winners cannot be guaranteed. The biggest Cinderella stories of the season thus far, he points out, are Prince and Glenn Frey, late-round selections in most draft processes.
“Lohan hasn’t worked out yet,” Bloom concludes. “But luckily, my sleeper pick of Garry Shandling has vastly outperformed expectations.”