Donald Trump Comes Out Against Cancer Treatment for Children

Keeping with his campaign theme of being against everything good and reasonable, Donald Trump officially came out Tuesday against cancer treatment for children.

His newest platform lengthens the list of groups the Republican frontrunner has alienated including Muslims, women, war veterans, rational human beings, and anybody born with a heart.

Trump wasted no time defending his position with a signature string of rambling, self-congratulating reasoning.


“When it comes to cancer kids, you see? I think we just need it, okay? These little bastards should never have gotten cancer. Am I right? It’s not my fault. Fix it yourselves, okay? I’m never going to get cancer. Because America is the greatest country on Earth. Do you think I got to where I am by having cancer?”

The incoherent rant — during which the New Yorker had to pause multiple times for enthusiastic applause — reportedly triggered a wave of suicides across the country, as hordes of American citizens would rather blow their fucking brains out than live in a nation where Donald Trump can be a leading presidential candidate.


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