DirecTV Merges with AT&T, Satan

In a move that has stunned customers and industry insiders alike, DirecTV recently completed a three-way merger, combining forces with both AT&T and Satan. The transaction appears to be the final piece in DirecTV’s plans to ruin the fucking lives of anybody looking to enjoy their services. “It’s really exciting,” says DirecTV Associate Director of Customer Service, Paul Otis. “Our ability to completely demoralize and … Continue reading DirecTV Merges with AT&T, Satan

Lindsay Lohan’s Inexplicable Aliveness Busting Many Death Pools

Twenty-nine-year-old actress Lindsay Lohan has made millions of dollars over a two decade-long career in film and television; however, she’s also cost bettors nearly that much by remaining alive against all reasonable expectations. Lohan, who has been in and out of rehab for a variety of death-inducing addictions, was the first overall selection in nearly every death pool draft. A virtual lock to have killed … Continue reading Lindsay Lohan’s Inexplicable Aliveness Busting Many Death Pools

Cursing Less Offensive When Spoken by White People, New Report Finds

A recently completed study supervised by the FCC confirmed what the commission had believed to be true for years: namely, that swear words are more offensive coming from minorities than white people. These findings have wide-reaching ramifications, particularly with regards to radio censorship. More specifically, censors now have statistical data to back up their preexisting policies on lyrical appropriateness. “We’ve always conducted ourselves as though … Continue reading Cursing Less Offensive When Spoken by White People, New Report Finds