Lindsay Lohan’s Inexplicable Aliveness Busting Many Death Pools

Twenty-nine-year-old actress Lindsay Lohan has made millions of dollars over a two decade-long career in film and television; however, she’s also cost bettors nearly that much by remaining alive against all reasonable expectations. Lohan, who has been in and out of rehab for a variety of death-inducing addictions, was the first overall selection in nearly every death pool draft. A virtual lock to have killed … Continue reading Lindsay Lohan’s Inexplicable Aliveness Busting Many Death Pools

Area Redneck Notices He’s Wearing Too Many Sleeves, Changes

Edgar “Stumpy” Fremont of Greenville, Mississippi, made a discovery on Saturday night before leaving his home, a discovery that may have saved him hours of evening ridicule. “S’funny, you know?” Fremont muttered between lower-lip gobs of Kodiak. “I’z looked at me in the mirror and seent I was wearin’ too many sleeves!” Indeed, Fremont — in a momentary lapse of white trash judgment — had … Continue reading Area Redneck Notices He’s Wearing Too Many Sleeves, Changes

Michael Bay Buys Legal Rights to ‘Titanic’ Sequel

Hollywood insiders reported Wednesday that dreadful film director Michael Bay has recently purchased the legal rights to a Titanic sequel. Experts are dumbfounded and perplexed as to what in god’s name the fifty-one-year-old plans to do with his newly acquired property. When asked if he understood how history works, Bay reportedly answered, “huh?” Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet have publicly shared their bewilderment, while Brendan … Continue reading Michael Bay Buys Legal Rights to ‘Titanic’ Sequel

Sonic The Hedgehog Fired by Sega Over Racist, Anti-Italian Remarks

Sega’s recent partnership with Nintendo to team-up the two company’s most iconic stars — Sonic the Hedgehog and Mario — has been a boon to each franchise, with total video game sales exceeding 20 million. According to industry insiders, however, this seemingly made-in-heaven union has come to an abrupt end. Spotted leaving a bar in Beverly Hills on Thursday, Sonic — who appeared inebriated and … Continue reading Sonic The Hedgehog Fired by Sega Over Racist, Anti-Italian Remarks

Booger-Eating Child Outgrows Flavor, Disappoints Local Bullies

A twelve-year old from Salmon, Idaho, Miles Overberg had, until recently, a clearly defined identity at Riverside Middle School: he was the booger-eating kid. Reportedly, however, the gross little fuck has begun finding the taste of his nostril goblins less and less appealing. “I’m just not into it anymore,” said the sixth grader. “Leave me alone.” Disappointed colleagues lament the unexpected palate evolution of the … Continue reading Booger-Eating Child Outgrows Flavor, Disappoints Local Bullies

Donald Trump Comes Out Against Cancer Treatment for Children

Keeping with his campaign theme of being against everything good and reasonable, Donald Trump officially came out Tuesday against cancer treatment for children. His newest platform lengthens the list of groups the Republican frontrunner has alienated including Muslims, women, war veterans, rational human beings, and anybody born with a heart. Trump wasted no time defending his position with a signature string of rambling, self-congratulating reasoning. … Continue reading Donald Trump Comes Out Against Cancer Treatment for Children

Old Bigoted Prick Refuses to Stop Being Old Bigoted Prick

A skilled and prolific racist, Wendell Franks is a seventy-nine-year-old retired store clerk from Osceola, Wisconsin. And, despite social pressure from both his family and the “god damn liberal media,” he has no intention of modernizing his bigoted views. “Why should I change now?” asked the old prick. “Because my granddaughter is dating a black?” Indeed, Franks’ granddaughter Kelly is currently romantically involved with an … Continue reading Old Bigoted Prick Refuses to Stop Being Old Bigoted Prick