According to sources close to the Führer, Adolf Hitler is apparently dissatisfied with the size and location of his new condo in Hell.
A recent bureaucratic restructuring of Hell’s top executives — which has resulted in a shift in the afterlife destination’s housing policy — has led to mandatory moves, not all of which have been met with citizens’ approval. Newly appointed head of Habitation Services Idi Amin thinks that, despite early resistance, locals will eventually come to appreciate the simplified process.
“It’s just much more streamlined than it used to be,” Amin said. “Our panel of expert appraisers [which reportedly includes Heinrich Himmler, Kim Jong-il, and Ted Bundy] simply review your life and assign you living quarters based on death toll statistics.”
This is often easier said than done.
“Admittedly, getting reliable numbers can be tricky,” Amin chuckled. “But we have good researchers.”
Based on these new qualifications, Hitler has been relocated to a condo noticeably lower in quality than Bolshevik rival Joseph Stalin.
“It doesn’t seem fair,” cried Hitler. “I just don’t think numbers alone tell the complete story. It’s like, doesn’t showmanship count for anything anymore?”
He went on to disparage the new Habitation Services Director in explicitly racist language that we found too inappropriate to publish.
“I’m disappointed in Himmler, to be honest,” the Führer concluded.
Himmler, when reached for comment, simply responded, “I don’t make the rules. The numbers don’t lie.”