Area Redneck Notices He’s Wearing Too Many Sleeves, Changes

Edgar “Stumpy” Fremont of Greenville, Mississippi, made a discovery on Saturday night before leaving his home, a discovery that may have saved him hours of evening ridicule. “S’funny, you know?” Fremont muttered between lower-lip gobs of Kodiak. “I’z looked at me in the mirror and seent I was wearin’ too many sleeves!” Indeed, Fremont — in a momentary lapse of white trash judgment — had … Continue reading Area Redneck Notices He’s Wearing Too Many Sleeves, Changes

Booger-Eating Child Outgrows Flavor, Disappoints Local Bullies

A twelve-year old from Salmon, Idaho, Miles Overberg had, until recently, a clearly defined identity at Riverside Middle School: he was the booger-eating kid. Reportedly, however, the gross little fuck has begun finding the taste of his nostril goblins less and less appealing. “I’m just not into it anymore,” said the sixth grader. “Leave me alone.” Disappointed colleagues lament the unexpected palate evolution of the … Continue reading Booger-Eating Child Outgrows Flavor, Disappoints Local Bullies

Old Bigoted Prick Refuses to Stop Being Old Bigoted Prick

A skilled and prolific racist, Wendell Franks is a seventy-nine-year-old retired store clerk from Osceola, Wisconsin. And, despite social pressure from both his family and the “god damn liberal media,” he has no intention of modernizing his bigoted views. “Why should I change now?” asked the old prick. “Because my granddaughter is dating a black?” Indeed, Franks’ granddaughter Kelly is currently romantically involved with an … Continue reading Old Bigoted Prick Refuses to Stop Being Old Bigoted Prick

McDonald’s Good For You, Insists Uninformed Uncle

Local uncle Reggie Upwith spent Saturday evening locked in a nutritional conversation with his disinterested nephew Andrew. According to onlookers, the fast food industry was the primary focus of his diatribe. “Don’t let the media trick you! I’ve eaten a Big Mac every day for twenty years and I’m healthy as an ox!” Conditioned by years of specious reasoning, Andrew chose simply to smile and … Continue reading McDonald’s Good For You, Insists Uninformed Uncle